Dear Mar-a-Lago Club Members:
This is Donald Trump, your president. As you may have heard, I have been sued by the totally corrupt Manhattan district attorney, Alvin Bragg, for a $130,000 so-called hush money payment I made in the final weeks of the 2016 presidential campaign to porn star Stormy Daniels, a person who is not only an unreliable witness, but also a very poor judge of the surprising size of mushrooms.
I want to assure you as Mar-a-Lago Club members that these vile and totally unfair allegations will be defended by my legal team, which will be some of the smartest legal minds in the country answering my calls. And Rudy Giuliani.
Rudy will have more to say about this later this week at an upcoming news briefing outside Amelia’s Smarty Plants in Lake Worth Beach.
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In the meantime, many of you have come to me and said, “Sir, sir, what can we do? Sir – you all call me ‘sir’ – how can we assist you in your defense against these complete and totally fabricated charges, sir?”
Find a little extra money to help Trump
Normally I would say that there is absolutely nothing you can do. As you know, I am the richest person you have ever known. I have more money than anyone. Right? Forget it. I mean, I’m super, super rich.
But lately it’s been hard to get through to my old chief financial officer Allen Weisselberg. The phone service at Rikers Island Jail is a national disgrace.
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So I ask you to do something small. It’s the least you can do for your country, which I love so much, and I prove it every time I hug American flags on stage.
All I want you all to do is find $130,000 and send it to me for legal fees. There is nothing wrong with saying that we have recalculated your contribution.
Being able to applaud me at Mar-a-Lago as I eat my meals with Melania at a cordoned-off table on the lanai is worth hundreds of thousands of dollars to you.
So what’s another $130,000 adjustment? Nothing. And people will love it.
It will make you a hero to the 74 million Americans who voted for me. On the other hand, if you don’t give me the $130,000 I’m asking for, those same people will be very angry with you.
You don’t want to end up with some loose change. I hear my people – I like the uneducated – can start forming a protective circle around Mar-a-Lago with their perfectly legal take-back America, Second Amendment tools. Such patriots.
If you like, consider that $130,000 payment you’re making to me as “hush money.” Pay me and I’ll shut up about you when I tell the mafia who the unfaithful members of the club are.
Believe me. You don’t want to be in that group. That would be a big risk for you. So, just do the right thing here. Find me that money.
Do not worry. It’s perfectly legal.
Golf scores, like election results, depend on who counts
In other news, I would like to congratulate the recent winner of the Senior Club Championship at Trump International Golf Club in West Palm Beach.
It was me.
As I said on social media, it was “a great honor” to win the tournament against “many great golfers”.
“You need strength and stamina to WIN, and I have strength and stamina,” I wrote.
But back to this charge. Now we have grand jurors in New York who have been fooled by this corrupt prosecutor, and this has led to charges against me, your president.
About what? Come on. Can you imagine what Thomas Jefferson would have been like if Stormy Daniels rocked her Monticello money makers?
So the next time we see each other in Mar-a-Lago, I expect to see a thick envelope in one of your hands as you come up to greet me and congratulate me on my golf win.
It’s not the $130,000 that matters. It’s the gesture.
Frank Cerabino is a columnist for The Palm Beach Post, part of the USA TODAY Florida Network. You can reach him at [email protected]. Support our journalism. Subscribe today.
This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: Trump Indictment: Former President Indicted by New York Grand Jury
