There is a report that Herschel Walker, the staunch anti-abortion Republican who entered the Georgia Senate race, got a woman pregnant and then paid for her abortion in 2009.
Like other staunch anti-abortion Republicans, I have one thing to say about that: IT DOESN’T MAKE ANYTHING!
Dana Loesch, the conservative radio host and former spokesperson for the National Rifle Association, said it best this week when she said:“I don’t care if Herschel paid Walker to abort endangered baby eagles. I want control of the Senate.”
Abortions are unacceptable – except this one
Amen, sister. Abort those eagle babies! Like Loesch, I believe deeply in the sanctity of life and am against all abortions – except this one, which I will accept to avoid costing my party control in the Senate.
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The report came from the Daily Beast, and all they had to prove was a receipt from the abortion provider; a canceled check that Walker sent to the woman five days after the procedure; and the get well card that Walker sent the bill. Walker has denied the whole affair, claiming he does not know the woman, who, as the Daily Beast reported on Wednesday, is also the mother of one of his children.
I will have to side with Walker on this because I want my party to be in power and I believe it is a sin to use the word ‘hypocrisy’.
Control of the Senate is what counts here, and he played football!
Besides, I don’t think Loesch went far enough in defending Walker with her hypothetical eagle abortion clinic.
Like the many Republicans rushing to stand up for Walker in the wake of the abortion news, I don’t care if the former soccer star is an ancient, transdimensional, shape-shifting entity of pure evil taking the form of a clown named Pennywise and terrorizes a small town in Maine. I want control of the Senate, and I’m sure Walker regrets any desire to feed on humans.
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The destruction of one or two planets is fine if it leads to power
I don’t care if Walker oversaw the construction of a moon-sized space station that blew up the 2-billion-human planet of Alderaan, then got into an argument with his son and cut off his right hand. We need to secure that Georgia Senate seat so we can stop President Joe Biden’s immoral agenda!
I don’t mind if Walker unleashed the Mongol hordes on the Khwarazmian Empire in Persia in the year 1219 after the Shah, Ala ad-Din Muhammad II, broke a treaty. Control of the Senate is essential to the moral fabric of our nation.
Ruling Mordor isn’t so bad when you think about it
The possibility that Walker has been described in the epic Anglo-Saxon poem Beowulf as the monster Grendel, “cursed by God, the destroyer and devourer of our human species,” doesn’t bother me a whip if it leads to a Republican Senate majority leader. And the additional claims that he massacred the inhabitants of the mead hall of Heorot built by King Hrothgar? A small detail when the power to lower corporate taxes is at stake.
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No, I see no logical or moral inconsistency between my entrenched religious beliefs and the lack of concern I would feel if I learned that Walker had remained a non-corporeal evil for eons before rising again in the land of Mordor and building the dark fortress of Barad. -dr not far from Mount Doom. What if he gathered huge armies of orcs and trolls and then tricked the elf smith Celebrimbor into forging the Rings of Power? Well, that’s a small price to pay to beat Democratic Senator Raphael Warnock, who is a pastor and probably never paid to abort endangered baby eagles.
In short, nothing matters as long as we win
The discovery that Walker is, in fact, the Lord Voldemort of the Dark, He Who Must Not Be Named, and is conspiring with the help of Death Eaters to rid the world of Muggles, would in no way affect my support for a candidate whose qualifications include being a little famous.
I want control of the Senate. Getting Herschel Walker elected is the key to that. And if that means it’s okay to find out that he once snapped his fingers while wearing the Infinity Gauntlet and instantly wiped out half of all life in the universe, well…so be it. I don’t intend to let the morality I use to disguise my dastardly thirst for power get in the way of my dastardly thirst for power.
More humor and satire from Rex Huppke:
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Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
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This Article Originally Appeared on USA TODAY: Herschel Walker’s Abortion Story May Not Matter as GOP Pursues Senate
