With Disney executives supposedly running a “wake up” business, some conservatives have called for a boycott of anything related to The House of Mouse.
Commentator Candace Owens, who is demanding a ban, called Disney “groomers” and “pedophiles” because of the company’s opposition to Florida House Bill 1557, which was signed by the governor.
Well, I’ll definitely be looking at Mary Poppins in a different light.
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Ah, but in a non-Disneyfied world, there wouldn’t be any more CGI-drunk, jingling, endless Marvel movies to endure since they’re now owned by the “awakened” rodent. “Star Wars”, too. (Farewell, troublesome Jar Jar Binks and hiding Kylo Ren). And, drumroll please, until now “Dancing With the Stars”, which should have been called “Hoofing With the Has-Beens” all along.
But it’s going to be hard to stop kids from watching Pixar movies, like “Turning Red” or “The Incredibles.” The same goes for Disney animated musical features like “Encanto” or “Frozen”.
What parents of young children can’t sing every single, completed lyric of “Let it Go” after hearing it more than 10,000 times?
Detour at Disney World?
Numero uno on the boycott list, however, is Disney World, easily Florida’s biggest tourist trap. Um, I meant to say tourist destination.
A few years ago, my exhausted friend, Wango, told her young daughter that they couldn’t make the 260-mile drive south to Central Florida because the Disney World theme park burned to the ground. A few days later the daughter stormed home from elementary school and said, “That’s not true at all, Mom. Disney World didn’t go up as a kitchen contest. All the kids at school said that. One just got back from Disney World.”
I have to admit, it was a nice effort, Wango.
There are far better reasons to boycott Disney World than to get your panties in a bunch, because The House of Mouse supports its gay, lesbian, bi, non-binary and trans employees.
Now that almost everyone has decided to ignore the pandemic and head back to Florida, why not ban Uncle Walt’s playground for some real reasons? Like:
Sticker shock
It costs a fortune to buy tickets to Disney World. The base price to get into the front gate is $109 for adults and $104 for children under 10. It cost $3.50 when the park opened in October 1971 (still too expensive if you ask me). Staying at the new Star Wars: Galactic Starcruiser hotel on Disney World property starts at $1,209 per guest. (At that price, the room should come with a real Wookiee and Yoda as your personal housekeeper.)
Get ready to wait
The lines for the rides and attractions usually get stuck during peak times in the park. The wait to meet Mickey Mouse at the Town Square Theater can drag on for 90 minutes, which must be a joy for toddlers. An official “downloadable” photo of you, your carpet rat and the giant rodent will set you back somewhere in the neighborhood of $17. A basic pair of Mickey Mouse ears for your kid’s noggin costs about $15. Uncle Walt’s daycare is certainly expensive.
Those crying kids
My cousin, when he lived in Orlando, routinely flew as a business passenger as part of his job. He called the inbound and outbound flights Kindergartens in The Sky. The Orlando attractions were packed with over-excited kids on their way to meet The Mouse.
On the way out, the planes were full of sun-drenched, parched, raunchy brats who wouldn’t leave Orlando. Now imagine they’re at the theme park and multiply the noise by 100. For added fun, throw in meltdowns, tantrums, and angry conversations from one parent blaming the other. The House of Mouse really should put tables of divorce lawyers at the exit.
Welcome to the surface of the sun
The average summer temperature in Orlando is 94 degrees Fahrenheit. I’m sure that’s a little off. It feels more like 294 degrees.
I dare you to go to Disney World in August. Sizzling pavement. Relentless heat. Rain this afternoon. The worst rainstorm I’ve ever survived in Florida was on Interstate 4 in Orlando in the summer. I’ve been to car washes with better visibility. That is saying something about this fifth generation Floridian.
Talk about a real swamp stump
Face it, visitors are basically walking around a paved Florida swamp. As my faithful conservationist father in North Florida used to say about Disney World, “Why would anyone pay to visit a fake swamp built on top of a real swamp? Man can’t improve nature. That’s hubris.” Disney Springs? Yes correct.
The Ignorant Crowd
Why do some people feel the need to walk side by side and take up as much space as possible in Disney World? Why do they cluster at the entrance and block the way to a ride? Why are they breathing down your neck while standing in line? Why do they yell at their children in public? Why do they think you want to hear their meaningless cell phone calls? Why don’t they believe in sunscreen? Why does everyone look so (expletively) unhappy at The Happiest Place on Earth?
I can easily resist the hassle of Disney World, but blocking Disney as a whole won’t be that easy.
Disney World contains, according to a whack-a-doo conspiracy theory, the cryogenically frozen head of creator Walt Disney (1901-1966). It is tucked away in the labyrinth of secret tunnels under the park. One day Uncle Walt and his noodle will be reunited with a living body.
On that day I will call Disney a “wake up” company.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to solve problems in my “awake” math book.
Mark Hinson is a former senior reporter for The Tallahassee Democrat. He can be reached at [email protected]
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This article originally appeared on Tallahassee Democrat: Florida ‘wakes up’ Disney World? Can a ban be selective?
