I was recently hired at another company for a better opportunity. A partner at my former firm offered to meet me near my new job and take me out to dinner as a token of gratitude for my work there; he also wanted my headhunter contacts as he himself is looking for a step. While we were eating, I mentioned that most of my new team, including my boss, are women, and that both the dynamics and work-life balance were better than at the former company. He replied with “This may sound sexist, but…” and continued with a disparaging remark about women.
My question: he is pursuing me for my headhunter contacts. I feel like I don’t owe him anything but don’t want a confrontation. What should I do? – Name withheld
From the ethicist:
The way people learn that their sexist attitudes are not only wrong but unwelcome is by being held accountable for expressing them. You are not saying that the comment was inappropriate for your ex-colleague. Especially if you think it reflected his worldview, you would help the cause of gender equality if you told him that his sexist comment made you disinclined to advance his career. Are the costs too high for you? Considering you’re in the same industry, you might judge it’s a bad idea to alienate him from you – maybe he’d try to damage your reputation as revenge for your call-out.
Unfortunately, there is no easy way to avoid his request without causing offense. If you ignore him, he may just push you to harass you further, and your goal is apparently to get him out of your life, not have him buzz around you like a nettle wasp. You could give him what he wants to keep the peace, but that might gnaw at your conscience. Your last option is to give him your contacts while letting the headhunters know about your concerns about him. If you do, you’ll need to find a way to also let your ex-coworker know that you found his comment upsetting.
A bonus question
During the holidays, my partner’s teenage cousin came to see me. I started dating his aunt before he was born so he is family to me. I love him dearly and I tried to support him the best I could. I’m the first adult he’s told. He also told me that he is dating a boy from school.
Here’s the problem: his father’s behavior towards LGBTQ people is dangerous and the father has been violent in the past. He once physically assaulted a person he mistook for a transvestite while drunk, and his attitude towards gays is horrible. My sister-in-law divorced him years ago, but my cousin still spends half of his time at his father’s house. So all I can think about is what happens when this guy comes home and his son is making out with a boy, which my cousin says almost happened to me at least once.
I know I can’t betray my cousin’s trust and tell him to his mom (who might be able to step in before something happens), but I really don’t think he’s safe with his dad. And he’s just a kid. How do I tell a 14-year-old boy, who is already worried that his family won’t accept him because he’s gay, not to have sex with the boy he likes because his father could be a violent homophobe? – Name withheld
From the ethicist:
This teen is lucky to have a loving adult he trusts by his side. But you clearly think he’d be better off confiding in his mom, too. The first thing you should do is help your nephew think about whether or not to tell her, especially considering that this may help reduce the risk of his father’s anti-gay attitudes and behavior. You could even offer to be there when he comes out to her if he thinks it would be helpful.
But whatever your cousin decides on this, you should have a frank conversation with him about his father’s attitude and point out your concerns to him. Fourteen-year-old boys are generally unprepared for all the emotional ups and downs of a first love, and he may be inclined to take more risks than he should.
Readers respond
The question in the previous column came from a reader whose wealthy friend had recently confided that she had gotten her son’s student loans by tricking the son’s stepmother into lying and claiming that he was dependent on her taxes for years. This friend and her husband make over $500,000 combined. Our letter writer said, “I just learned that her son is now on a full scholarship to a very expensive private school. I have to go on a weekend trip with my girlfriend in a few weeks, but I’m so angry about this I don’t know if I can speak to her. Is this fraud? What is my responsibility in this situation?”
In response, the Ethicist noted, “What your friend is doing is seriously wrong, and the outrage you feel is an appropriate response. You have another reason to be angry. By telling you this story, your friend showed that she saw you as someone who would share her indifference to the moral issues here. The Ethicist absolved the letter writer of the obligation to report the cheating, but wrote: “You should at least tell her that what she and her family are doing is abhorrent, as well as illegal, and that they shouldn’t be doing it next year. . … Your conniving friend is basically playing Robin Hood in reverse. Perhaps this is not a friendship worth holding on to.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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This is not a no-harm-no-foul situation; it is the theft of a lot of money, probably tens of thousands of dollars, that should have gone to a more deserving student. Would the ethicist plead for turning a blind eye and not reporting a friend who robbed a bank? Of course not. What is the difference? — Craig
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I like the idea of the ethicist confronting the friend with the idea that she seems to think you are the kind of person who would tolerate or even admire such fraud. You are offended. After all these years, does she have no idea who you are and what your morals are? — cliff
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The son may not know the full story or understand the implications of his parent’s fraud as we’ve seen in recent news stories. He is the one who would perhaps suffer the most from being fired from the school. That record could haunt him throughout his career. What a terrible example for a child. — Pamela
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Instead of that of the ethicist euphemism of Robin Hood, can we recognize that this is probably white collar crime? A theft of tens of thousands of dollars? Granted, there was no threat of violence and they come from an economically privileged demographic — both ingredients in the differences we see in arrests, convictions and sentences. I’m sure their actions reflect the advice of a certain “smart” crowd. The writer is right: it is despicable. — Robert
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Decades ago, I was one of those children in financial distress who received a full scholarship for four years. I consider that gift to be the foundation of the person I have since become. College was my first experience of being intellectually supported and encouraged. This family stole more than just money. — Wandajun
