Sean Carroll
Back in 2019, (partly) in honor of the announcement of Star Trek: Picard, Ars employees held an informal tasting session to sample two bottles of Official Star Trek Wines, a collaboration between CBS Consumer Products and Wines That Rock. And the wines were….much better than we expected, although way overpriced.
Picard has now wrapped up its second season, with a third currently in production, and the folks behind Star Trek Wines have expanded their collection from two varieties to six. A second informal wine tasting was therefore clearly in order. And who better to help us in this noble undertaking than Q himself – aka actor John de Lancie – and The Orville writer Andre Bormanis, who launched his career as a scientific advisor on TNG† They joined a fresh group of tasters (eight people in all) on a cool late spring evening in Los Angeles, where appetizers were plentiful and conversation flowed freely. (Wine reviews were anonymous, in keeping with the super-casual atmosphere of the meeting. And the wine was bought out of pocket, not donated for promotional purposes.)
Let’s start by revisiting the original two variants. First up: a 2017 Sonoma Valley zinfandel, described as an 87 percent zinfandel blended with petite sirah and just a hint of syrah. The packaging plays the fictional connection, claiming the wine was produced under the United Federation Special Reserve Label, “blended by our intergalactic sommelier and designed to suit the taste buds of multiple planets.” (The tasting notes on the back label add “Andalorian spice” to the description, just for fun.)
The original Ars verdict from 2019: “This is a fairly typical robust Californian zinfandel, light, smooth and fruity. It is young, with quite a high alcohol content and goes well with cheeses and charcuterie. The design of the bottle is great, although clear glass is not conducive to long-term wine storage. Drink the wine now and keep the bottle if you like collectibles.” (I was less fond of this one, as I prefer drier, less jam-like wines.)
The Federal Reserve’s zinfandel received similar comments from our new group of tasters, many of whom also noted the forward fruit profile and smooth finish. Those who like fruitier wines generally tended to like this zinfandel more than others. “Solid ‘Susie Second’ bottle,” wrote one taster, while another called it a “pretty good sense-go, Federation!” But others noted a strange aftertaste and declared the wine “not good”.
Sean Carroll
Next up: a Bordeaux blend from Chateau Picard (the label claims it’s a 2386 wine to keep the conceit going): 85 percent cabernet and 15 percent merlot. As I mentioned before, this is a bona fide winery, with a centuries-old vineyard in the St Estephe region. Coincidentally, Jean-Luc Picard’s family has long managed a fictional vineyard of the same name, albeit in Burgundy rather than Bordeaux. Picard† The Real Winery agreed to collaborate on a special edition of their crude bourgeois vintage for the Star Trek collection.
Our 2019 verdict: “It’s a firm, tasty Bordeaux blend, drier than the zinfandel, with a longer finish and more interesting spice, even if it lacks that ‘Andalorian spice’. In short, it’s typically French and the proof that even in the 24th century terroir still matters.”
The Bordeaux blend also came out on top with the 2022 tasting crew, calling it “perfectly drinkable” and “surprisingly good.” The wine is light and dry, “easy on the palate”, with “a clean finish” and fairly well balanced. It is almost as if the winemakers from Bordeaux have been able to draw on centuries of experience. This was the only bottle that the test crew completely polished off.
Unfortunately, the four new varieties in the Star Trek wine collection fall far short of their predecessors. We’ll start with just the bland and innocuous: an Andorian Blue Premium Chardonnay and the United Federation of Planets Special Reserve Sauvignon Blanc.
The Andorian Blue is indeed blue in color, no doubt thanks to the addition of a food coloring. (“What is this, a substrate for a COVID test?” joked one taster.) It’s a gimmick that has a very slight aftertaste that’s all the more noticeable because the wine has very little taste. That’s unusual for a chardonnay. I’m not a big fan of white wines, but good chardonnays are generally light to medium bodied, crunchy and a little citrusy. The Andorian Blue is indeed light, but it lacks all the distinctive flavor notes except for that unfortunate hint of blue dye.
Meanwhile, the Sauvignon Blanc is so light that one taster wrote: “Does it even exist?” Another commented, “What is this? Yellow water infused with wine essence?” The friendliest comments were that the wine was “modest” and would go well with a weekend afternoon barbecue, or perhaps a suitable accompaniment to spicy Thai food.
Paramount domestic television
Which brings us to the really bad: a Klingon Blood Wine and a Cardassian Kanar Red Blend. In retrospect, it’s probably not surprising that the wines marketed with the most blatant fan-service appeal were also considered largely undrinkable by nearly all tasters. (I’ll give the Star Trek Wine folks props for creative bottle design, especially the corkscrew shape of the Cardassian blend.)
The broad consensus has been that the Klingon Blood Wine tries to be a pinot noir and falls short; it’s actually a very fruity California cabernet, with maybe a hint of pepper. “Whoever supplied this blood ate nothing but fruit salad the week before,” noted one taster, while another wrote simply, “Much too sweet.” The most generous review was that it is “drinkable but not extraordinary”.
Finally, there’s the Cardassian Kanar Red Blend, easily considered the worst wine in the collection by our tasters. “Two degrees less sweet than a Boone wine cooler,” wrote one taster. (The taster is not a fan of wine coolers.) “The Cardassians will never rule the galaxy with wine like this,” wrote another. I thought it was gross and reminded me of Welch’s grape juice. But it would probably go well with Do-Si-Dos or a similar peanut butter cookie if you’re nostalgic for the PB&J flavors of your childhood. And it must be said that at least one taster seemed to like it.
With the evergreen caveat that taste in wine is highly subjective, here’s our recommendation. Stick with the original two bottles for your Star Trek wine, or save yourself some money and buy something similar for a fraction of the price, unless of course you’re really keen to collect the whole range of unusual bottle designs. Or you’re a Cardassian who likes really sweet wine.
