Here is a pop quiz for married couples.
Do you know your partner's salary? What about the balance of the 401 (K) of your partner and credit card? Bonus points if you can quote how much your husband or woman thinks you should live comfortably in retirement, or even at what age he or she hopes that that will happen.
If you are like most married people, you know for sure that you will test this test. Almost nine out of 10 couples say they communicate well with their partner about money, and 94 percent say they are open and transparent with their better half about finance, according to studies released last year by the Financial Services Companses Fidelity and Ameriprise.
In reality? Not so much.
The Fidelity Survey showed that more than a third of the couples could not correctly identify their partner's salary within at least $ 25,000 of their actual wages. More than half it didn't agree that they had to save for retirement. Research shows similar decoupling with many couples when it comes to debts, power, savings and lifestyle goals.
That does not even count the outright secrets that admit about four in 10 married couples to keep money, according to a bankrate survey from 2025. Managing the list of indiscretions: spending more than their partner would be good, followed by debts, credit cards or savings accounts.
“About 50 percent of the couples I talk to, their combined family income does not know and 90 percent of those with debts do not know how much they owe,” said Ramit Sethi, author of the book “Money for Couples” and host of a podcast with the same name. “But besides facts and figures, the most important thing that couples do not know about their partner is what their vision is about a rich life – what they ideally hope for their money will allow them and reach them together.”
Ignorance is not bliss
This lack of knowledge about the most important aspects of the finances of a spouse can hinder the planning for pension and other purposes, such as buying a house or paying a child's child training, advisers said. After all, it is difficult to come to your destination if you do not know which way you actually are.
“If there is incorrect information or an absence of clarity about the resources you have to work with, you have a better chance of making suboptimal financial decisions, and the customs and behavior of partners do not always come into line with goals,” said Douglas Boneparth, a financial planner of New York City who writes a newsletter with his wife, called the joint “.
The relationship can also suffer. “Not on the same page about money can lead to fear, guilt and resentment,” said Mr Boneparth.
Research supports the potentially adverse impact on marital happiness. Studies show, for example, that couples who do not communicate well about money or fail to make financial decisions together, tend to feel more dissatisfied with their relationship than those who do. A 2021 study by the National Endowment for Financial Education showed that, among people who had kept a secret about money from their partner, the deception resulted in arguments for 42 percent and less confidence in the relationship for about a third party.
If you are poorly informed about the way in which a partner has managed family money, it can turn out to be particularly problematic when a few splits or a spouse dies a problem that often becomes more difficult for women who have more chance than men to invest and pension planning to their male partner. A UBS study among women showed that, after the death of a spouse or the end of their marriage, three-quarters of widows and divorces encountered 'negative financial surprises', such as hidden debts or less in savings than expected.
“If you mourn emotionally, it can be extremely scary to notice that you also have to worry about how you pay the mortgage or that you can ever retire because you did not have an accurate picture of how your partner was dealing with money,” said Aja Evans, a financial therapist and author of the book “Feel-good finance.” “It just makes a difficult situation much worse.”
Truth and consequences
As a lack of communication and transparency about money hurts so much, why do so many spouses keep each other in the financial dark?
A common culprit is the system of the couple for managing household finances. Almost half of the couples in the Fidelity Survey said, for example, that they did not jointly made financial decisions. Other research shows that in many relationships one partner takes on the role of Chief Financial Officer, who takes the lead on investment decisions and financial planning, so that the other spouse can stay out of the loop.
“Very often the issue is this division and conquest approach to money, not that one partner deliberately hides assets or income,” said Ryan Viktorin, a vice-president and financial adviser at Fidelity Investor Center in Framingham, Mass. “One spouse is very interested in investments and the progress of progress on spreadsheets and the other feels through the figures and is happy and is the financing of the partner.”
A study in the Journal of the Association for Consumer Research confirms that the partner who has more confidence in finance has the tendency to stimulate decision-making-or that person really knows more about money or not. “Perception and reality are not perfectly coordinated,” says Scott Rick, a associate professor of marketing at the Business School of the University of Michigan and co-author of the study. “Partners are actually much closer to financial knowledge than they think.”
Also contribute to the lack of communication and transparency: a desire to keep peace. More than six in 10 people who admitted that they were lying against a partner about money that was a motivating factor fear of disapproval, according to the National Endowment for Financial Education Survey.
“They may not want to have the conversation because they are ashamed or feel shame or think that their husband will make a judgment,” said Marguerita Cheng, a financial planner in Gaithersburg, MD.
Anticipating on conflict sometimes has so much to do with the earlier experiences of each partner – say, if their own parents argued a lot about the finances of the family or a former partner who constantly criticized their spending pattern – as on the current day.
“So often when we have conversations with our partner about money, we talk to the spirits of their earlier relationships,” said Mr Sethi. “We come in with a series of assumptions, our partner comes in with another and one plus one is equal to a thousand.”
What to do: become a team
Advisors recommend that couples regularly meet to talk about their finances – what many call a money date. But giving a cute name and adding food and wine in itself will not lead to more open communication.
“Hey, honey, let's go out for dinner and let me break this spreadsheet over starters,” you won't get where to go, “said Mr Boneparth.
This is what will.
Start with goals, no numbers. Advisors propose to place monthly or quarterly meetings on the calendar to talk about your finances, with the first sit-down focused on ambitions, not on Nitty-Gritty details such as how much you save and expenditure.
“The goal of that first meeting is to walk away with a good feeling about talking about money,” said Mr. Sethi.
Prompts can help guide a conversation about shared goals and what your partner is most concerned about. Mr Sethi's book contains, for example, activity magazines that help pairs to define a rich life and make 10-year-old bucket frames. Mrs. Cheng has spouses separately their best financial priorities on a listing and then exchanges lists. Mr. Boneparth is a fan of the money quizzes of the couples in the paired app.
According to last year in the Journal of Consumer Psychology come to the meeting with the meeting with the mentality that you can sort this money together. The authors noted that “considering conflicts as soluble instead of perpetual” reduces fear and increasing the chance that partners will talk openly about their finances.
Set up for success. As soon as you switch to sharing facts and figures, you start with the basics. “Both partners must at least know what financial accounts they have, how much is in them and how they can gain access,” said Mrs. Viktorin. “They also need a concept at a high level of their financial image or they are generally on their way with saving and expenses.”
The use of joint accounts to pay for daily expenses and saving for non-pension goals such as building an emergency fund makes sharing these details easier, experts say. It also forces partners to be more transparent about their expenses.
“There are fewer options for hiding disturbing purchases or spending pattern when couples use a joint account,” Dr. Rick, who has studied the impact of bank account structure on romantic relationships. “Joint accounts also help partners think as a team.”
Money Management apps are another tool pairs that can use to share information about their expenses, saving and investing. Combat to: Honeydue, a free app specially designed for couples; Monarch Money ($ 14.99 per month; $ 99.99, if paid annually); and Copilot ($ 13 per month; $ 95, if paid annually; not available for Android devices).
However, sharing details of each transaction may not be necessary – or even ideal. Dr. Rick also ordered that every spouse also maintains a small bank account without questions for personal use, who can eliminate the fear of judgment that many men and women encourage to hide or save the expenses for their partner.
“We don't need that full transparency as we keep a view,” he said. “Everyone is entitled to a little privacy.”
Show your partner some grace. Avoid the fault to consider the tension when you view your finances together.
'Don't come in with' you did this 'or responded with' You have spent something? “Because it will just close the conversation,” said Mrs. Evans. “Instead, talk about what you worry about or fascinate you, how the money items influence you and why, so your partner understands where you come from.”
That willingness to see the perspective of your partner and share your own is the key. “Couples often come in a conversation about money aimed at being right,” said Mrs. Cheng. “What is important is to get about where they do the right one – together.”
