Dear Abby,
I have an amazing 12 year old son, “Oliver”, who was conceived on a date rape at a work party. I don’t remember much about that night. When I found out I was pregnant, I hoped my husband was the father at the time. When the baby came it was obvious he wasn’t because Oliver is a different race. (I’m white and I think Oliver is a Pacific Islander.)
We divorced when Oliver was 2, and my ex had a DNA test, which of course showed he wasn’t the father. Despite the findings, after I explained what had happened, he offered to be Oliver’s “father” because he had a bond with him – on the condition that he didn’t have to pay child support. I Agreed. I have two other older sons that he fathered.
There have been times when Oliver and his brothers have asked about his brown skin, and I’ve been able to dodge the question. He’s reaching an age where I don’t think I can last much longer.
I’ve always known that the time would come when he would have to know that his father is not his biological father, but I’m not sure what to tell him. I don’t think I want him to know he’s a product of rape, nor do I want to throw myself in front of the bus and say I cheated on his father. That would raise questions about who his biological father is. Please help.
— Looking for the best way in Washington
I don’t understand why you would equate ‘rape’ with ‘cheating’. What happened wasn’t your fault, and you shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed that it happened. While I understand your desire to protect Oliver, you must tell him the truth. If you do, emphasize how much you and your ex love him and how proud you are that he is your son.
Mom is pressuring me for a key to my new house
Dear Abby,
I am in the process of building my first house down the street from my parents. (It was a good deal.) Recently my mom told me she wants a key so she and Dad can access my house in case of bad weather (we live in tornado country). My house’s layout and foundation are sturdier than theirs. When I told her I didn’t want anyone to have a key, she was really offended. It made me feel awful, but Abby, this is my first house, and if I have to give someone a key when I don’t want to, it misses the point of having my own house.
I lived with my parents to save, and Mom has used guilt against me before. My sister and brother-in-law agree that I shouldn’t give in to her. I feel like a horrible daughter for refusing because she’s not the sniff type, but there have been instances where I was in my room and she came in without knocking. Should I stick with my guns or am I wrong?
— Daughter in dilemma
It seems a bit intrusive to me that your mom would ask for a key to your house before it’s even finished. What have your parents done during previous tornadoes? Since the house symbolizes your independence, I don’t think you should hand over the key. It may make sense to let someone you trust in when you are traveling or if you have a pet that needs to be walked while you are at work. In that case, you can change your mind and see the wisdom in offering her one.
PS If she abuses your trust, you can always have your locks replaced.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, aka Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
This article originally appeared in The Providence Journal: Dear Abby: Mother wonders how to reveal youngest son’s parentage
