Dear Abby,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. We do not live together and have no children (we have three adult children from previous marriages). He’s smoked since he was very young, and when we got together, he said he’d like to quit. Well, it still hasn’t happened.
As the child of an addict (alcohol), I understand how difficult quitting can be. Luckily my dad quit cold turkey 20 years ago and never relapsed. Abby, I don’t want a future with a smoker. The smell of old tobacco is unappealing. It is not exactly a breath freshener and the health consequences are significant.
Do I have the right to stand my ground? I started quitting this week in response to his lament that he looks older than his age (which is true). He got very defensive and made me look like a monster for asking for a real timeline about quitting. He struggles with anxiety and thinks trying to stop will send him over the edge, and I’d be the one pushing him. How do I navigate future conversations?
— Choking in Pennsylvania
Tell your friend that you care about him and his health, but that you can no longer tolerate seeing him hurt because of his tobacco addiction. If he doesn’t already know that the smell of his breath, body, and clothing is offensive, point it out to him, as well as that secondhand smoke is unhealthy for you. Then tell him he has to make a choice: it’s smoking or you. The decision is his. There are many effective smoking cessation programs available, and he should discuss them with his doctor, who may be pleased to know that he is interested.
PS These days a lot of women – and men – just “swipe left” when they encounter a smoker.
Dear Abby,
I am currently in a relationship approaching seven years. We went out in our 20s and revived in our 40s. We live together, but I’m afraid we’re growing apart. Due to health problems I do not work; he works in the second shift. I cry easily and have always been an emotional person.
If there are disagreements, we usually work it out. My problem is that I think about the discussion later and have more to say or ask. He then tells me that we’ve already talked about it and that he’s not talking about it anymore. He says I “overanalyze everything”. It’s not that. I just have another question or something I left out.
His refusal to talk makes me feel like things are unresolved. He just won’t talk about something we’ve already discussed! Please help me understand if I am too demanding and should just leave it alone.
— Unanswered in Illinois
It’s not “too demanding” to want to discuss anything further. If rethinking the issue would reignite the disagreement, your partner is way too controlling. If you have a question, there’s no reason you couldn’t ask it without causing conflict. To deny you that chance seems disrespectful.
After a disagreement, give it more time and decide if it’s really necessary to revisit the topic. If you do, avoid approaching it again in a way that could be taken as an invitation to another argument.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, aka Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
This article originally appeared in The Providence Journal: Dear Abby: Wife has lost patience with her boyfriend’s addiction
