Being in love is a healthy thing, so try not to think too much about this. At the end of the day, if you really, really like this person, why not shoot? The worst thing he can say is he’s not interested, which will hurt, yes, but you’ll be able to handle it and have new information on how to proceed. And if he says yes to a date, well, like I said, anything is possible. Good luck, and be good to your heart.
Blurred boundaries
I work as technical support at a small asset management company. As the only support person, people come to me with all their random requests. Recently, the CEO came over and handed me an iPhone that he wanted to erase and restore. He then sent me a link to a spyware app that he wanted to install on it without anyone being able to detect its presence. Wiping the phone was successful, but unfortunately could not be activated.
I convinced him to take the phone to an Apple Store to have it activated, hoping he would forget his earlier request. Knowing that his kid is way too young for a cell phone, I can only assume this device is for his wife. If he comes back with the phone, how should I handle this? Should I help him possibly spy on his wife, express my opposition or not install it but say I did? He’s a petty man so I’m sure I could lose my job if I refused. But do I risk legal action against me?
— Henry, New York City
Your CEO seems to be asking you to do something illegal. Installing spyware on someone’s phone without that person’s knowledge or consent is eavesdropping. In New York, there are a number of offenses associated with installing spyware on someone’s phone without permission, including tampering with private communications, obtaining communications information illegally, and failing to report wiretaps.
You are being put in a terrible position here. I would tell him that you cannot install the spyware because it is considered eavesdropping, which is a crime. If he wants to spy on someone, he’ll have to watch a YouTube video or something to figure out how to do it, just like everyone else.
Sisterhood and solidarity
I am a woman in a male-dominated tech industry. In my industry, we regularly collaborate with academic researchers. A colleague introduced me to a professor who works at a top university and she has the background and tools to tackle a research problem that we are focusing on. During our meetings, she came up with interesting, unique and insightful ideas.
I am delighted to be working with her and believe she will be a great collaborator. I recently invited some colleagues to start this collaboration. After the first group meeting with her, two of these colleagues indicated that they did not think she was the right person for this project. They said they had recently met another (old, white, male) professor and thought that compared to him she was not as nosy as an academic should be. They prefer to work with a more established professor.
The professor I want to work with is a young woman of color, which is rare in our field. The implicit bias is harrowing. I have continued to express my support for working with her, but I have not pointed out their bias for fear it would backfire. How can I best support this woman? While I really enjoy my job, I often encounter situations like this where I see prejudice against myself and others that it can be exhausting. How do I keep fighting without burning out?
– Anonymously
The most important thing you can do is continue to express your support for this woman. If relevant, provide evidence as to why she is the best person for this partnership. And sometimes, yes, point out the implicit bias of your colleagues. They may not be receptive to having their biases noticed, but that’s their problem, not yours. When they say they prefer to work with a “more established professor,” they mean they prefer to work with someone they feel more comfortable with, someone like them. They want to work in an echo chamber, and it would be good if you pointed that out.
