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Mute those wedding bells
I work for a non-profit and live check to check. My colleagues and I have a shared lunchroom and lunch break. One of my colleagues is getting married and has spent many lunches discussing her extravagant wedding plans. My husband and I rode our bikes to a courthouse to tie the knot, so hearing about the challenges of hosting a wedding that costs at least $100,000 is pretty shocking. I think the entire wedding industry is ridiculous, and this level of privilege is unknown to me. I try to tune in as much as possible.
My colleagues are planning to organize a luncheon and buy her a wedding present. My budget is extremely tight and I take my lunch to work every day because I don’t have extra money. I don’t want to buy lunch or donate to the gift. I donate to most causes (colleagues who lose family members or have a new baby). However, I don’t see myself buying a gift for someone who presents himself as a rights holder. I have decided to ignore the email and not work that day. How should I handle this situation?
– Anonymously
It sounds like you’re holding some grudges here, and given your circumstances, I understand. It’s frustrating living paycheck to paycheck while having to listen to someone gleefully discuss the economics of her upcoming marriage as if anyone could afford an extravagant wedding. Your co-worker is probably talking about her wedding because she’s excited. She’s also a bit crass and inconsiderate because you’re her co-workers, not necessarily her close friends with whom she’d be better off discussing such things.
You clearly don’t like this person, so don’t contribute to her wedding gift or lunch and don’t second-guess that choice. There’s always social pressure at work when the workplace goes past the proverbial collection plate, but you can either tacitly refrain or explain that you can’t afford extra costs at this point. There’s no shame in refusing to contribute to something like this at all.
Overcoming Internalized Ableism
I have been sick all my life with various chronic conditions. For most of my career, I’ve been a workaholic, often working multiple jobs and working over 40 hours a week to make ends meet. For the past few years, I’ve had a full-time job that I love and am very good at, at a non-profit organization whose mission I truly believe in.
However, my chronic pain and fatigue have worsened. In January, I struggled to concentrate and get through the workday. I asked my boss to move on to a new, more exciting project. I crashed and burned anyway and had to take three weeks of medical leave. I went back to work, but after only a few weeks full-time, I was struggling again, so I asked to reduce my hours to 32 hours a week to try and avoid another crash. In the meantime, my original project has remained untouched.
In recent meetings, my boss has been highlighting my current projects and singing my praises to supervisors and colleagues. Instead of feeling happy or proud, I find myself thinking, “You’re just saying that to convince everyone—including yourself—that I’m still worth it.” I know that’s my fear and internalized ability speaking, but I can’t get that voice out of my head. How do I convince myself that I am still a valuable employee?
— Georgia, Austin
Please stop undermining yourself! It can be difficult to overcome the internalized negativity we harbor towards ourselves, especially in an able world. It’s easy to accept the idea that if you’re human, you’re failing if you can’t drive yourself into the ground without consequence. This is simply not true. Living in a body means that sometimes that body struggles in one way or another. It is not a reflection of your inherent worth or your professional merits.
